Why we stop having sex after birth

When a baby is born, everything shifts. The baby’s arrival has a permanent impact on every relationship in a family structure. Truly, every baby is here to change the world. 

To say that relationship dynamics between parents will be affected by a child joining the family is an understatement. For heterosexual and queer couples alike, having a baby together could be a bonding experience in many ways, but on the other hand, early parenthood might offer significantly less opportunities for intimacy.

If sex was an integral part of your relationship prior to birth, maybe as a catalyst for emotional intimacy, it might be hard to cope with the changed dynamics. This could be especially true for the partner who has not given birth, and whose level of sexual desire is not impacted by physical, physiological and social changes.

What is a normal amount of time to wait to have sex after having a baby? 

Decreased sexual activity in the year following birth, or longer, is normal. But when parents start off with the wrong expectations, this, in itself, can seem like a problem. 

But even though most postpartum mothers turn away from sex for natural reasons, sexual health is connected with overall wellbeing and may be an important way of connecting emotionally between partners. Sexuality is not just about intercourse, it’s about an inner experience shared with the other person through verbal and non-verbal expressions.

Every couple in a long-term relationship goes through periods of mismatched libidos. This is usually referred to as desire discrepancy and means that one has a higher level of desire than the other.

A person’s level of desire is always relative to her partner’s, and changes over life. It is common for desire to change after childbirth in response to direct and indirect factors. 

Direct factors that impact desire include: 

Body changes

It is common for new mothers to have concerns regarding body changes after birth. These concerns can relate to perineal sutures, nipple soreness, milk leaks, body image and more. Women who have had an episiotomy may have discomfort that directly inhibits penetrative intercourse. Pelvic floor dysfunction, including prolapse, affects some, and may also change the way that intercourse is experienced. 

Hormonal changes

Hormonal changes associated with postpartum include a dramatic drop in estrogen and progesterone, which often lead to vaginal dryness and a low libido. For breastfeeding mothers, elevated prolactin levels can suppress ovulation, which means that sex hormones will remain low for an extended period, sometimes for the entire breastfeeding period.

Fatigue 

Postpartum fatigue, feelings of exhaustion and of being overwhelmed, are common and lead to a reluctance to engage in physically, mentally and emotionally demanding activities, including sex.

Time constrains

Parents of babies and young children may struggle to find time for intimacy, and spontaneous sexual interactions might be restricted due to a lack of privacy in the home.

Being touched out

Many mothers describe a feeling of being “touched out”. This can best be described as feelings of sensory overload due to the constant physical closeness with the baby, and lack of personal space. 

Indirect factors may include: 

How involved the partner is in the care of the baby

One study found that women whose partners were more involved in the care of their baby were happier with their sex lives. This is because these women were more compatible with their partners, which is one important factor for overall sexual satisfaction (1). 

The mother’s confidence and sense of fulfilment in her new role

First time mothers who feel unprepared for their new role and responsibilities, can experience low self-confidence and stress, especially without adequate social support in place. This could lead to an avoidance of sexual contact and a deterioration of their overall quality of life. 

Re-establishing intimacy and sex after having a baby

Re-establishing a positive and healthy sexual relationship after birth could require some effort from both the mother and her partner. Birth and matrescence inevitably prompts a mother to re-define her sexuality. She might need time to explore what that means for herself as a first step. 

For the father or non-birthing parent, being able to talk about sexual wishes and expectations is important in itself, and leads to reduced feelings of emotional isolation (2). Desire discrepancy, if not addressed, can lead to disconnection or even resentment. Reaching out to a therapist or sex therapist is an option for partners who struggle to talk about these issues. 

What if we re-wrote the narrative?

What preconceived ideas do you have about sexuality and maternity, and what effect do these internalized beliefs have on the shaping of your identity as mother? While sexuality comes from within, it’s also shaped by socio-cultural factors like norms and attitudes. 

Maternal sexuality is a taboo topic, and the lack of attention it gets negatively affects women’s quality of life (3). If mothers' sexual satisfaction was considered more important, this would probably improve access to treatment for pelvic floor dysfunction or discomfort after episiotomy.

But what if our sexuality was not at all at odds with motherliness? Imagine if we saw motherhood as an inherently sexual experience, starting with conception, followed by the painful/pleasurable experience of birth and breastfeeding. 

Imagine a mother who feels confident, because she’s had an empowering birth experience, and felt the loving support from both her partner and her entire community, is nourished by healthy foods and the physical closeness with her baby. Her initiation into motherhood has elevated her sexuality, and she is thriving from a continuous flow of oxytocin inducing stimuli.

To ignore the erotics of maternity renders our conceptualising of sexuality limited

and capacity to understand it diminished.

Alison Bartlett (2005)

Sources:

1. Florkiewicz-Danel M, Zaręba K, Ciebiera M, Jakiel G. (2023) Quality of Life and Sexual Satisfaction in the Early Period of Motherhood—A Cross-Sectional Preliminary Study, Journal of clinical medicine, 12(24). From: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10744264/

2.  Ruth MacAdam, Elisabeth Huuva, Carina Berterö (2009) Fathers’ experiences after having a child: sexuality becomes tailored according to circumstances, Midwifery, 27 (5). From: https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0266613809001600

3. Weisskopf, S. (1980). Maternal Sexuality and Asexual Motherhood. Signs, 5(4). From: http://www.jstor.org/stable/3173841